the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
