i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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