People in love make me want to vomit
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
