then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
PANTIES FOUND
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
