He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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