we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We are all done wearing pants today
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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