you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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