you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
