you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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