i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
