ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
