when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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