And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
