Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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