Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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