you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize