Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
