I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
