Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize