she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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