The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
