this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize