Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
