Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
