I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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