can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
