I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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