Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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