I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
