I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
