fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
time to smoke my breakfast
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
