the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
