You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
