I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Enjoy the penises
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
