you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
