Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
