I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
