I only kidnapped one of them. chill
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
