I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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