I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
