my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
