I met the friendliest cop last night
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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