So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
