ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
