My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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