Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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