I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
