Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
