Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
