True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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