This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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