you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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