he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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