sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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