Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
