I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
