there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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