We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Help. Why am I so naked?
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