The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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