my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
