I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
