There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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