im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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