She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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