Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
