I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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