hell yes lets make some ravioli
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
