i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
