i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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